It has come to my attention recently that Corinne has decided she has had enough of being my sidekick and would instead rather be seen alongside a certain Mr David Tennant. I don't watch Dr Who. I don't see the appeal but am glad that as of about a week ago her desktop wallpaper was a picture of Edith Bowman and David Tennant. Yes, David Tennant was still in the picture, but it was Edith too, so I'm proud. The thing is, if that Welsh bloke, not James, not Aled, but that other Welsh bloke who seems to cover none of the criteria to be in the ND, well if he decides that Corinne can be the Doctor's sidekick, well then there's a position open, because I need a new sidekick. You can't be sidekick to two different people, and I suspect, given the choice, Corinne might just pick that Tennant bloke. If Wimbledon isn't on. Then she might choose me because I'd let her watch the tennis because I'd be too busy watching the football. But anyway, back to matters at hand. I need a sidekick, and yes you have to be my sidekick because unlike JD in Scrubs, my ego is clearly big enough to think that I don't have to be the sidekick. Though recently someone decided that Lucy should be Robin to my Batman for Kirst's party. I really don't see that happening.

Job Specification:
I need someone who will solve little problems for me, like when I complain that if we move house on Friday I will miss the Argentina match and then we won't have a tv licence so I won't be able to watch the highlights and then complain about this for a further ten minutes. The ideal candidate will turn round and say, we can just transfer the tv licence over and then renew it later, then you can still watch the highlights. They will also be able to solve the problem of the constant puddle of water that evades our kitchen and work out that even though the vast majority of it is by the fridge-freezer and cooker, it's actually something behind the washing machine that is leaking. Yes, from the other side of the room.

You have to like football. And understand it. Yes that includes the offside rule. And you can't explain it using purses. Or shoes. Or some other derogatory way of explaining the offside rule in what some people perceive as women's language. And you have to come to the pub with me to watch England matches. Or at least text me during them. And not to tell me that some player who is 5'3" is smaller than me. I am 5'3"! That means he is the same height as me. And when I tell you that, don't reply with, "yeah of course" followed by a wink. You may however, text me with how many shots you think Lampard will get off target in the course of the match.
[Candidates who don't understand football but show willing will be considered.]

If I see an item of clothing in a magazine or see someone wearing it and decide I like it, you will help me find it or at least something similar. Usually it's from Topshop. Sometimes I don't even want it, I just think it's funny and wonder where it's from. For future reference, I am currently on the look out for some black wellies with white spots and blue bits round the top and the sole, a la the ones on the stall in Fundee because next summer I am going to festivals and I want some whether I need them or not.

Answer your phone when it rings. Or if you're not going to, change your answering message so that it's a message to me, to the point where it confuses me for all of five seconds as I try to work out if you've answered or not.

Warn me that Top Gun is sad before I watch it.

You will have already realised how demanding I am and decide that you want to be my sidekick anyway. Because I always answer my phone.

All applications will be considered carefully. Please apply at www.corinne-has-ditched-me.com
Thank you.